Introduction
Hi everyone. Welcome to Volcano’s world premiere audio drama, Metamorphosis --- A Viral Trilogy. This is a series of three audio diaries by André Alexis, with original music, sound design and mix by Debashis Sinha, and directed by me, Ross Manson.
What you are about to hear is Episode Three: Nella at 86, starring Diana Leblanc as Nella.
This episode takes place in Toronto, Canada – a city which lies on the traditional territory of many nations and peoples, including the Mississaugas of the Credit, the Anishinaabeg, the Chippewa, the Haudenosaunee and the Wendat.
In this episode, Nella also mentions Petrolia, Brigden, Oil Springs, Reece’s Corners and Edy’s Mills in Southern Ontario – townships situated on the traditional territory of the Chippewa, Odawa, Potawatomi and Delaware Nations.
All of these Indigenous Nations, indigenous peoples have been here, and continue to be here, caring for this land. And this has gone on for thousands of years. So you can imagine the many many stories that have been told in this place, about this place.
We hope you like this one.
Nella at 86
[SOUNDBITE: STRING MUSIC]
[NELLA]: March 15th entry.
[SOUND OF BOOK OPENING]
I’m not much of a one for talking about myself, Patrick. But you asked me to say some things here. Whatever I want, and maybe something about my life to pass on to the grandkids. I think you’re worried my mind isn’t as clear as it used to be. But nothing about me is what it used to be, but if knowing I’m doing this will make you feel better Patrick, then: I’ll do it. For a while. I can’t imagine what there is to say.
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF PHONE RINGING]
One thing that comes to mind: I haven’t been to Brigden in donkey’s years. And I miss the farm.
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF DISTANT TRAFFIC]
Lord knows what mother would think of me living in Toronto. She’d say ‘Sodom and Gomorrah,’ most likely. I’d as soon be in my own home, but Mike and Judy live here and Ted’s not far. I get to see the kids and it’s affordable. Twilight Retreat.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
What a fancy name for an old folks’ home!
[NELLA LAUGHS AGAIN]
Thank God your father was good with money, Patrick.
God knows where I’d be living, if he wasn’t.
Patty Andrews died last night, and I still have her copy of Fatal Ranch Reunion.
[SOUND OF PAGES FLIPPING]
Not a bad story, but it’s not how I’d like to remember her, that book. But it doesn’t feel right throwing it out all of a sudden. It’s something Patty liked and that makes me think the better of it.
[SOUND OF BOOK SHUTTING]
[SOUNDBITE: STRING MUSIC WITH AMBIENT SWELLS]
[NELLA]: March 17
[SOUND OF BOOK OPENING, AMBIENT OUTDOOR SOUNDS, BUGS BUZZING, BIRDS]
Mimi Watkins died. Just after Patty. It’s quite a coincidence. They were very close, those two. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded dying one after the other.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
Well, they would have minded dying. But at least Mimi didn’t have to grieve.
It doesn’t surprise me anymore when people around here burst into tears. They say “Oh, I’m getting so sentimental in my old age.” But once you pass eighty there’s no such thing as crying for no reason.
The surprising thing is that people ever stop crying.
Of course, when I see a man crying, it still makes me feel strange. I can’t help it. My first feeling when a man around here starts crying is I’m frightened. The only time I ever saw my father cry was when Arthur died of typhoid. Poor Arty. The doctor in Oil Springs didn’t even know it was typhoid. Sent him home like it was just a cold, drunken fool. Arty was my older brother, he’s still my older brother. and he died when he was seventeen.
Some days, I feel like I’m just too old.
Anyway, Mimi Watkins is dead, and I’ll miss her.
[SOUND OF BOOK CLOSING]
[SOUNDBITE: MONOTONE STRINGS WITH AMBIENT SWELLS]
[NELLA]: March 19
Mother used to call pneumonia the old person’s friend. It was a long time before I knew what she meant. And a good thing, too! You shouldn’t know what it means when you’re young. But mother died of a heart attack. Gone before she hit the floor, the doctor said. I was very upset by him saying that. But you think different about these things, when you get experience. “Gone before you hit the floor” sounds much better than pneumonia.
[DISTANT SOUND OF A CELL PHONE RING]
I’m sure I told you about uncle Horace, didn’t I?
You remember his house in Edie’s Mills, the one off 21? He used to sleep in the big bedroom at the back, the room with the air conditioner. But he stopped sleeping there because mother and father would visit him. He’d see their ghosts. They wouldn’t say anything to him. They’d just stand beside his bed crying, so he couldn’t sleep. He moved into his own guest room, because he couldn’t take it anymore. I was so mad when I heard that. I couldn’t understand why they’d haunt my brother. He never talked to them when they were alive! I’d have done anything to see my parents again. I went and slept in that haunted bedroom for a week. But mother and father didn’t come to me.
I know it shouldn’t bother me. But even thinking about it now, I’m disappointed.
When I die, Patrick, I promise I’ll come back and tell you what to expect.
[SOUNDBITE: LIVELY STRING MUSIC]
[SOUND OF BOOK OPENING]
[NELLA] March ... 20
[SOUND OF A SPOON STIRRING IN A CUP, CUP BEING SET DOWN]
Today was reading group. I wasn’t in the mood for company. But it was good to have people over. I even liked the book we read: Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. Everyone was surprised I hadn’t read it before. Martha was reading it for the tenth time. And …
[SOUND OF NELLA SWALLOWING]
… she swears a book is different every time you read it. But once I know what happens, I lose interest. I wonder if that’s just me. I like to look ahead. There’s always something around the bend, something to look forward to.
[SOUND OF CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANT BACKGROUND]
Millie and Agnes have been hearing stories about people getting sick over at Sunset Village. Pneumonia Millie said, but Agnes thought it was likely some kind of venereal disease, because Sunset Village is a place for old swingers.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
Honestly!
[STILL LAUGHING]
I’m glad I didn’t choose Sunset Village. I’d have been miserable with some old fellow pestering me.
[NELLA CHORTLES]
I’ll tell you, Patrick, every now and then, I do miss your father in that way. Billy had wonderful loins. But I can’t see the point of washing a man’s underwear and taking care of him, just for a few minutes trouble then clean up. I know you kids want me to find someone to make me happy, but I’ve got all the love I need already.
Anyway, the sickness at Sunset Village was just another excuse for Agnes and Millie to say how they’d rather die. They go on about it so much! They both said they didn’t want any terrible disease, and they certainly didn’t want to pass any disease on, that was the thing Agnes said. “It’s much better not to pass it on.” Listening to the two of them, I wondered who they thought they were dying for. Like their dying was a community service.
They couldn’t agree how to avoid it. Agnes wants to take pills, but Millie can’t stand pills. She doesn’t even like taking the pills she has to take every morning.
[SOUND OF NELLA TAKING A SIP, CUT BEING SET BACK DOWN]
She’d rather cut her wrists.
This is the one thing I don’t like about reading group, Patrick. We talked about Sense and Sensibility for twenty minutes and about the best way to clean up blood for an hour!
[SOUNDBITE: RAPID STRING MUSIC WITH RUSTLING BENEATH]
[NELLA]: March 21
It’s the first day in a while no one died overnight.
Now, you know, Patrick, I don’t like to read the papers. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in eighty-six years, it’s that you can have too many facts. I know you don’t approve, but I say: what’s the point of knowing what’s going in in Brussels? I can barely remember where it is on a map.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
These days, I don’t much watch the news on TV, either. The TV’s to keep me company, not for facts.
But Agnes’ son writes for the Star and she likes to keep up. She reads the Globe every morning, first thing.
[SOUND OF RUSTLING IN THE BACKGROUND]
So, I mostly keep up through her. And these last few days, she goes on and on about the flu that’s going around: “How do you not know about this, Nella?” “Haven’t you been paying attention, Nella?” “What are we going to do, Nella?”
[SOUND OF CONVERSATIONS IN THE BACKGROUND]
It got so I finally had to pay attention to her and, well, that wasn’t such a good idea. Because: blast it, if she isn’t right. There is something going around. And I feel like I’m the last one to hear about it.
It’s only a flu, they’re saying. Not as bad as Agnes says. No one died last night. Not that I heard about anyway.
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF A NEWS SHOW STARTING]
[SOUNDBITE: STRING MUSIC]
[NELLA]: March 23
Well, Patrick, I was certainly better off not knowing anything. I’ve been reading about this flu and I’ve been watching TV and all I can say is it sounds terrible.
It sounds worse than terrible. Around here everyone swears Mimi Watkins couldn’t breathe when she died and she turned blue. Mr. Anderson says he saw her just before she died and she was sky blue. And before she turned blue, she couldn’t control herself and the people working here were so disgusted poor Mimi died in a pool of her own waste.
[NELLA SOBS, BLOWS HER NOSE. SOUND OF SIRENS IN THE BACKGROUND]
Poor Mimi. She only ate organic food and she took very good care of herself. I feel bad for her, Patrick, because I know how much she liked to look her best.
[SOUND OF NELLA BLOWING HER NOSE]
And, now, just when I’d like real information, the nurses who work here won’t tell us anything. They won’t tell us anything and they’re all wearing masks and gloves. I don’t know what it’s like in the city, but it’s upsetting when people are wearing masks and you can tell they don’t want to come near you. It’s got so, if I sneeze or I don’t feel my best, I’m sure I’m about to die.
[NELLA CHUCKLES]
No one from outside can come visit. For a while, they say.
Everyone’s calling, but that makes me jumpier than ever, like they’re seeing if I’m still alive. I never would have guessed it, Patrick, but this talking into my phone is one of the only things that calms me down anymore.
Everything has changed so quickly.
[SOUNDBITE: SLIGHTLY MORE OMINOUS STRING MUSIC]
[RUSTLING SOUND]
[NELLA]: March 27
Agnes and Millie were just here. We’re not supposed to congregate, but it’s inhuman to stay in our apartments all day with no one for company.
It’s strange how calm they were. They came to tell me that a few of them had decided to commit suicide. A few of them? Decided to commit suicide? Honestly, everything is moving much faster than I can keep up with.
I’ve heard them talk this way before, but I finally asked if they were serious. Agnes is eighty-five. Millie is eighty-six. Why in the world would they want to end things so close to the end anyway? Well, I’m sorry I asked. They’d been thinking it through, and they were both serious. They just didn’t want to end up like Mimi. It wasn’t the dying they minded. That they didn’t mind. They didn’t want to end up not being able to breathe or passing it on to others. They’d lived good lives and they both thought it would be better to take themselves out, instead of waiting for a virus to do it.
I don’t know why, Patrick, but I couldn’t look at either of them when they were talking to me.
[SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE DISTANT BACKGROUND]
The look on Millie’s face! It was just like your brother when he was six and he explained to me how the abominable snowman isn’t really a snowman. So confident she knew what she was talking about.
[NELLA SIGHS]
I spent the whole time looking at Millie’s slippers her grandson had given her, the kind that make it look like you put your foot inside a cat.
And when they’d finished telling me what they had to, Agnes said she had pills that would kill an elephant in no time, and she wanted to know if I wanted one. I wasn’t the least interested, but I like both of them enough that I said I was and Agnes said she’d see to it that I had one of her pills and I could decide on my own when I wanted to take it.
Honestly, Patrick, the time for me to do myself in was when I didn’t have children.
[NELLA EXHALES LOUDLY]
[SOUNDBITE: SLOW STRING MUSIC]
[NELLA]: March 28
I just talked to you on the phone! But you know, sweetie, I’ve gotten so used to talking to you here, it feels strange talking to my real son.
[SOUND OF A CELL PHONE RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND, PEOPLE TALKING]
It turns out there are two or three other people who’d rather die if they get sick. I don’t understand it, myself. Not really. There’s been flus and sickness forever. Something’s always coming for you. But Agnes found out about a “dark web” from her grandson – have you heard of such a thing? - and she bought five pills guaranteed to kill you. Guaranteed! I told her how impressed I was, but Millie says we won’t know how well Agnes did until someone is poisoned and dies.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
Whether anyone uses them or not, that’s the question.
They all talk about their children and their families and about not wanting to hurt anyone. I don’t see how you can end your life without hurting at least someone.
But, then, later, I was watching the news and hearing about the weakness, the fever, the diarrhea and the not breathing. And suicide didn’t seem crazy, either. Not crazy crazy, like …
[NELLA LAUGHS]
… like uncle Phil shooting the cows on his neighbour’s farm because he didn’t appreciate how they were talking to him.
[NELLA LAUGHS, THEN SIGHS]
But unreasonable, because life is so precious why would you throw it away?
The terrible thing is, Patrick, I don’t know what to do with the pill Agnes left me. I brought it out, so Agnes could see it wasn’t thrown away. I didn’t want her to feel offended, after all the work she’d done to get it. But it frightens me to pick it up, so I put it at the back of my socks drawer, in a zip-lock bag. If I die and you’re cleaning up my things, you’ll know what it is. Don’t let anyone else touch it.
People are still getting sick, and yesterday Angie DeForest died.
[NELLA SIGHS, SOUND OF A HELICOPTER OVERHEAD]
[SOUNDBITE: SLIGHTLY OMINOUS STRING MUSIC]
[NELLA]: March 30
Well, honestly. Every day is something new. Not just people sick and dying, either. No, so far, in the last few weeks, eight people have died. That’s by Millie’s count. I’m not really keeping tabs. Millie said there are caregivers dying too. That’s just terrible, if it’s true. But true or not, Patrick, Twilight Retreat is in “lockdown”.
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF CELL PHONE RING]
And I wonder how long this lockdown will be. No more visitors. Everyone’s wearing masks. You can’t leave your room. You can’t get a straight answer from anyone. It really is annoying.
[BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF PEOPLE TALKING]
I’ve decided to just plain knuckle down. I do Sudoku. I’ve been reading and I’ve watched more television these last two days than I have watched in years. Everything but the news. When I hear City-TV, it puts me on edge. I really wonder who decided news was better if you shouted it.
On the other hand, Patrick, things are so quiet! You know how noisy the Don Valley is. Well, not any more it isn’t! I look out my window and I can practically count the cars going by, one after the other. No noise at all, even with the windows open. Toronto almost sounds like Brigden.
[NELLA CHUCKLES, BACKGROUND SOUND OF A CELL PHONE RING]
And Millie tells me the animals have gotten really frightening. Is that true? Are there bears and wolves in the city? I’ll have to remember to ask you when we talk. It would be terrible if the children were bitten.
I’m not much of a one for praying, but I’m starting to think about it. If there was a way to pray to someone that wasn’t God, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
[NELLA CHUCKLES, BACKGROUND SOUND OF SIRENS]
The last time I prayed was just before your father died. No, I tell a lie!
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF A CELL PHONE RING]
It was when your sister was pregnant. And we know how that turned out. I’m willing to admit God exists, because you can never be sure, but I’m not praying to Him.
[NELLA’S VOICE BREAKS, SHE IS SOBBING]
The real new is that Agnes has died. Millie doesn’t know how. It could be she died from the flu or it could be she took one of the pills she got on that web of hers. Millie thinks it was the poison that killed her, because she never once heard heard Agnes cough. I didn’t want to say anything, because Millie can be very touchy, and she was annoyed Agnes had gone before her like that, but it’s hard to say.
[BACKGROUND SOUND OF A CELL PHONE RING]
What happened. No one around here is telling us. Agnes was always talking about suicide, but I don’t think she even knows how much she talked about it.
[NELLA CHUCKLES]
I never thought she was serious until lately, after this flu business. Then I think, she was mostly afraid of suffocating – afraid of being on a machine to help her breathe – and she would do anything to not suffer that way.
To me, that means poor Agnes must have known she had this thing.
And now here I am Patrick, counting the days since we were in my apartment. Agnes, Millie, Magda, Paul and … and me.
[SOUNDBITE OF STRING MUSIC]
[NELLA]: April 4
Very strange days, now, Patrick. Millie died and I know for sure she killed herself. She called me to say she was “leaving.” As if she was going out for groceries. I even asked her “What do you mean you’re leaving?” And she said: “Nella, I am taking the shortcut.” I knew what she meant, then.
You must have seen it on TV, by now. “Elderly Suicide at Twilight Retreat!” And it turns out Millie didn’t take any darned pill, not that I thought she would! But Martha says Millie was in her bathtub that was filled with towels she’d been hoarding from Winners. She cut her wrists! And bled straight into her towels. Those two. Honestly.
The last few days the police have been going around in suits and masks asking about it. I was wondering if I should say anything, but then I thought about Agnes and how her family would feel if they knew how she’d bought suicide pills for people.
No, it just wouldn’t be right.
But you certainly get strange ideas, when the police are involved. I was wondering if they were going to search my apartment. I was nervous the whole time they were here. But they were as nervous as me. They asked about Agnes and Millie and I said we were friends and how sad I was they were gone.
Did I know they were feeling depressed?
No, I didn’t.
Had I been in contact with them, lately?
No, I hadn’t because of the virus, you see?
And that was the end of that!
I couldn’t help feeling like I’d cheated …
[NELLA SIGHS]
.. and I almost threw the stupid pill out as soon as they left. But do you know, Patrick, I didn’t throw it out. It’s still exactly where you’ll find it, behind the socks.
[NELLA CHUCKLES, THEN A FULL-BLOWN LAUGH]
I don’t really understand keeping it when I’m not going to use it.
[NELLA LAUGHS]
And I’m certainly not going to use it, Patrick. You’ll see. But it gives me strength, knowing that if I’m really sick, if I’m really suffering I could follow Agnes and Millie. It gives me the strength not to follow them, knowing that I could.
[SOUNDBITE: STRING MUSIC WITH AMBIENT SWELLS]
[SOUND OF RUSTLING AS NELLA PICKS UP THE PHONE]
[NELLA]: April 7
I suppose, in all the foofaraw with the police and the way Agnes and Millie died, I haven’t really had time to really think about my friends. I haven’t really done much of anything.
[NELLA CHUCKLES]
Sudoku and reading the last of the books Millie loaned me: a book by Mavis Gallant. Not my cup of tea. I don’t like short stories, as you know. They always end, just as they get interesting. But I have been thinking, these last few days, because of the quiet, the way everyone’s being quiet. I am surprised how little I’ve been upset. I liked Agnes and Millie very much. But I feel … not glad they’re gone, not glad at all. But relieved they went the way they wanted. I suppose their families must be upset about how they died. But even that doesn’t upset me as much as it did a few days ago when the police were here.
Today I thought: well, no wonder you’re not upset, Nella. There are more and more people you know on the other side. You know, Patrick, the people I love really started dying off when I was in my sixties and now it feels like going down a long slide, so many in front of you. So many after.
I wonder if I’ll send these recordings to you?
I don’t want you to worry about me. I don’t feel sick, but listening back to these last few days, I think it would be too upsetting for you all to hear me talking about my friends and all that. Anyway, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom, you know.
Just yesterday, Twilight Retreat was so quiet, I’d have sworn I was alone in the world if Judy hadn’t called to ask if I had everything I need. We had a lovely conversation. But I was happy when it was over because … do you know? The quiet reminds me of your father. Funny to remember a silence, but I did! The sound was just like on the night your father and I walked all the way from Petrolia to my parents place off 14, halfway to Reeces Corners, where he was living.
[SOUND OF FOOTFALLS, AMBIENT SWELLS]
I’ve told this story so many times, I should remember every detail. Jim McGill had got drunk and your father wouldn’t let him drive us home.
[OUTDOOR SOUNDS, CRICKETS BUZZING]
It took us almost two hours to walk home and it must have taken your father at least that much time to walk to Reeces Corners. My father would not hear a bad word about Billy after that.
[NELLA CHUCKLES]
Wouldn’t it be nice to remember all of that night? But the only thing I remember is that we were walking on that dirt road and it was so dark we could barely see in front of us, except when the moon came out. We must have stopped for something and then…
[FOOTFALLS STOP / SILENCE]
there wasn’t a sound: no crickets, no wind, no anything. Just before the silence really spooked me, we heard crickets again!
[SOUND OF CRICKETS BUZZING]
[NELLA CHUCKLES]
We were just kids, your father and me. At the very start of our lives.
To think it took almost seventy years to hear the same silence again.
[NELLA TAKES A DEEP BREATH]
[SOUNDBITE: STRING MUSIC]
-
That was Diana Leblanc as Nella in part three of Metamorphosis, A Viral Trilogy, by André Alexis.
This trilogy was produced by Volcano, and Episode three was presented by Canadian Stage.
Part one, Lucretia in Quarantine, went live on Aug 17, 2020 with TO Live. Part two, Kerri Wonders, went live on Aug 24 with the Summerworks festival.
If you’re curious to listen to a panel discussion with the artists and presenters of Metamorphosis, including André Alexis, join us on Saturday, Sept 5 at 12 noon Eastern. For links to this panel, and all the episodes, or if you’d like to make a comment or ask a question, please visit us at volcano.ca.
Thanks for listening.
Transcriber: Anastasia Chipleski